There is something compassionate that typically happens within us when we view another in the context of something happening TO them, as opposed to them doing something to us, or doing something on purpose. We tend to become less demanding, less reactive, more patient, and more willing to be the one who adjusts. It fundamentally changes the dance – rendering us more forgiving of the differences that result.
That is one of the great benefits of a diagnosis of mental illness. Indeed, that was its original purpose a couple of hundred years ago. Viewing those we didn't understand AS IF they were ill, and so couldn't help it, revolutionized our interaction with them. It helped us to stop finding fault and start trying to help. In addition, it relieved us from any sense of responsibility for their state or condition. So the analogy of illness brought double relief as it were – wasn't their fault and wasn't our fault.
In other words, when we act AS IF the people we don't understand have an illness, it humanizes the interaction.
It is probably due to this desperate pursuit of relief that we have stood idly by as leading doctors of disorder have claimed nearly three hundred syndromes to be mental illnesses and therefore under their purview. In the meantime, the fact that 'illness' was intended simply as an analogy has been long forgotten in the fundamentalist zeal of many whose livelihoods depend upon the existence of illness.
One syndrome that thankfully has not been added to this ominous list of illnesses is 'immaturity'. True, immaturity is not an 'illness'. But neither are most of the others in this catalogue of diseases. Immaturity suffers however from being dreadfully misunderstood. Furthermore, maturity is not something that can be commanded or demanded. Maturity is not a skill to be learned and immaturity not a deficit to be overcome. It would certainly help in humanizing our interactions if we treated the immature as if they couldn't help it … because they can't.
That is why I created a course on immaturity – to explain the wisdom of immaturity, the purpose of immaturity, what immaturity looked like, and how to work around it while we nurtured the maturing processes of those who were dependent upon us. Immaturity isn't an accident; it is a necessary developmental step to get to where we're meant to go. I didn't think, however, that 'making sense of immaturity' would engage as a title, so I used the analogy of a preschooler and called the course 'Making Sense of Preschoolers'. This course, however, is not only about preschoolers per se, but about those who act AS IF they were preschoolers - which seems to be many if not most people these days. In retrospect I could have also entitled the course the 'preschooler syndrome'. The point is that the course is about immaturity at any age. The hope is that, by understanding immaturity, we can find our way through to a dance that is in synch with the reality that actually exists, whether we like it or not, whether in phase or not, and regardless of the age of the immature.
Back to the analogy of illness and its benefits in generating some human generosity. Remember that the analogy was meant to humanize our interactions with those we do not understand. In short, we need an analogy when we don't understand a reality. That is always the case and is the purpose of an analogy in the first place. But what if we could truly understand the realities involved? What if we could make sense of hypersensitivity and of immaturity? That is the crux of the matter here, and brings me not only to the point of this writing, but to the very essence of my life's work. I believe that we are at a point in science where we can actually make sense of the underlying dynamics involved in these syndromes. True understanding is even better at bringing us relief from fault finding. It can also calibrate our interactions to the reality of what actually exists.
Unfortunately, analogies can also become an impediment to the very insights we need in order to make progress. I do believe this to be the case with regards to the illness analogy. We have come to believe that the analogy of illness is an actual reality, thus giving us the illusion of having an explanation that, in fact, doesn't shed light on what is truly going on. Furthermore, once a diagnosis of mental illness becomes the focus, the underlying dynamics become eclipsed even more. And then to make matters worse, we think that educating about diagnoses is where we need to put our efforts. I'm afraid that we are ending up with more darkness, not less.
The bottom line is that we don't need an analogy when we can make sense of a reality.
Immaturity is a reality – a reality that can't be wished away. It can be pushed at, judged, attacked, ignored, yelled at, disagreed with – but it doesn't give an inch. Immaturity is not a fault, but rather a necessary prerequisite on the way to the unfolding of our potential. When we don't understand immaturity, we judge the immature as being deficient and dysfunctional; full of deficits of learning, memory, skill, and experience. The human brain has its reasons for starting where it does, and there is no way of making developmental progress without starting at the beginning and accomplishing the purpose of immaturity before proceeding. For example, the immature are impulsive and narcissistic and forgetful for good reason. If that reason doesn't materialize, these dynamics become our shortcomings rather than our stepping stones. Immaturity never looks good when it is past its best before date. Unfortunately, the immaturity that was once full of promise can rigidify into traits that then get confused with personality. The good news is that it is never too late for stuckness to be resolved and human potential to unfold.
Hypersensitivity is a reality – a simple reality involving the brain's gating system where more signals enter the brain than can be meaningfully processed. Given the lenses of today's neuroscience, we now have a greater understanding of this phenomenon. Yes, this wrinkle in the brain's signal filter system can have a profound domino effect on other major systems such as the attachment system, the emotional system, the attentional system, the motivational system, and the defensive systems. But the more we understand the dynamics at the developmental root of it all, the more we are in a position to reverse what is reversible, and work around the rest. Making sense of this dynamic can not only help us dance with this reality but help our loved ones to adjust accordingly as well.
In short, I am hard pressed to think of any syndromes that have been more misunderstood than hypersensitivity and immaturity. My hope is that these courses can help make sense of the dynamics involved so that true progress can be made and that the insights provided will enable interaction that is both fruitful and fulfilling.
