The sirens of ancient mythology typically seduced through irresistible song, inexplicably drawing their victims to them and thus away from their true relational answers. The results were disastrous. The scenario typically involved male sailors away from their families and bewitching bird-women on far-off islands. No wonder the relevancy of this myth to what is happening in today's society may escape us. Give me a chance to change this, as I believe that these sirens, although not recognized as such, are still among us, with the unprecedented power to lure our children out of the cascading care relationships where they belong.
Let me say at the outset that we are wrong to assume that a siren's power to ensorcel has something to do with it's own nature rather than ours. The power of anything over us – child or adult – is rooted in our own instinctive nature as creatures of attachment. When this deep hunger for togetherness is unmet, as it was in these sailors, we become suckers for experiences of nothing between. And what becomes irresistible music to one person's attachment ears has everything to do with how that particular person experiences togetherness. We vary tremendously from each other as adults, and we seem largely ignorant of what is ensorcelling our children these days.
In typical egocentric adult fashion, we have assumed today's sirens as having something to do with sex and drugs, as these tend to be our own seducers. Certainly, once we become a sexual being, the power of sex to evoke an experience of having nothing between is absolutely remarkable, even if unsustainable. Given the addictive intoxication of the sexual experience and its ability to draw a person out of cascading care, we wisely attempt to delay this experience for our children. Opium (and its derivatives and substitutes) has also had the power to generate a sense of nothing between, in this case a euphoric sense of oneness with the universe, a biochemical bath in warm and loving feelings. No wonder these sirens were able to seduce us away from the caring relationships which alone were meant to answer this yearning. It is indeed tragic how many adults continue to seek these peak experiences that not only render human relationships rather dull in comparison but also threaten to disrupt these attachments as well.
But these are not the sirens I set out to talk about here, although I would have much to say about today's use of drugs to pursue experiences of togetherness that I believe belong only in the context of attachment relationships. What I want to touch on here is about the new sirens we have unwittingly created that threaten the well-being of our children.
When development unfolds as it should, a young child's separateness not only stems from inescapable differentness but also from the realization that one's inner self, including one's thoughts and feelings, is invisible to those they are attached to. This creates a healthy drive to be known from inside out, and if that hunger is not sufficiently satisfied, renders one a sucker for experiences of having no secrets between. Enter today's artificial intimacy made possible via artificial intelligence. We have unleashed a siren that is arguably more powerful than sex, with a reach to the children whose developmental potential is actually unfolding.
The siren of shared secrets is not new in itself; only its reach is unprecedented. If one's attachment yearning is for no secrets between, then sharing one's secrets can create an unwitting siren of most any confidante, including an innocent barmaid or earnest therapist. Far too often did I find myself as a therapist in situations where shared secrets had created a closeness that competed with my client's own partners or parents. Now AI-mediated artificial intimacy has taken this to a whole new level. Few seem to be aware of what empowers this siren or its sabotaging impact on existing attachments to partners or parents. We ought to be concerned, as this siren is currently being promoted to unwitting parents for children as young as three years old. Most parents will have no clue that they are courting their own competition while believing that they are actually contributing to their child's well-being.
The most insidious sirens of today, however, are singing the songs of sameness. These sirens are insidious not only because they appear innocuous but also because they can reach the most immature among us, including those whose developmental stuckness is disguised by age. The irresistible power of these sirens to ensorcel has everything to do with the undeveloped nature of attachment so rampant in today's children as well as former children.
A bit of context might be in order regarding how attachment is meant to develop. The drive for sameness comes to the fore in toddlerhood as a supplement to the drive to be with. This drive for sameness is responsible for most of the heavy lifting in raising young children, whether we know it or not. We were never meant to be stuck in this attachment modality, however; the drive for sameness was meant to unfold into the drive to belong or be part of, then the drive to matter, and then finally the yearnings for emotional and psychological intimacy. Today's children and adults appear to be increasingly stuck in the relatively primitive hunger for sameness, empowering the sirens of sameness to lure them away from the very persons who care the most about them. Despite the devastating impact on their well-being, we seem to be blindly aiding and abetting this screen-mediated craziness. Even the big screen now portrays stories that suggest that we belong with those who are like us rather than in cascading care relationships.
Differentness has become the enemy rather than the existential reality that caring relationships are meant to transcend. When the sought-for experience becomes no differences between, the immature among us fragment into polarized groupings that threaten and are threatened by each other. Yes, we know that racism and sexism and genderism and nationalism are all wrong, but we are courting the very sirens that deliver this uncivilized chaos.
When will we ever learn, to quote a protest song from yesteryear?
What will it take for us to realize that the songs of sameness wafting through siloed screens are seductive music to those who are still green-behind-the-ears attachment-wise ...
When will we get that we are our children's best bet - not because we are alike, but because we have the care they need ...
When will we learn that experiences of nothing between belong in relationships of cascading care only ...
When will we learn that shortcut experiences not only destroy the path to potential but sabotage caring relationships and interfere with the genuine grieving that alone can save us from our sirens and ourselves ...
