Not everyone grows up as they get older. The construct of psychological immaturity has been with us as an intuitive concept for ages, but only recently has developmental science advanced to the point where the idea of developmental arrest can be spelled out and employed as a powerful explanatory tool for problems in learning and behaving.
Stuckness is both the least recognized and most common problem of childhood. Many are stuck in a psychological immaturity that prevents them from growing out of such problems as aggression and counterwill, as well as any other dysfunction or disability that exists. This condition underlies a multitude of manifestations and a plethora of presenting problems in children: untempered experience and expression, incessant restlessness, chronic impulsiveness, elevated attachment and dependency needs, as well as egocentric and immature relating. Many children get stuck from time to time in little ways. Some children become deeply and chronically stuck. The earlier this happens, the more serious the developmental consequences.
When children are stuck, they will also fail to grow out of, or come to compensate for, any disabilities and deficiencies that exist. These children are also less likely to recover from any damage they may have incurred or trauma they have experienced. As a result, such children are more likely to be diagnosed with learning disabilities or behavioural disorders. The salient issue is not the disorder or the disability, however, but rather the stuckness that renders them a victim of this condition. Once this fact is understood, the implications for treatment are profound, and doors can be opened for change.
Children who are stuck developmentally will also be stuck emotionally. Stuck kids are not appropriately moved, either in affect or behaviour, by experiences that should evoke vulnerable feelings in a child. Losses do not move them to grief, futility does not move them to sadness, inner conflict does not move them to consciousness, and fulfillment does not move them to satiation. In more serious cases of stuckness, that which should alarm does not even move them to caution. Such children are unable to learn from consequences, make good their intentions, or stay out of trouble.
To the degree that children remain immature, they also remain creatures of attachment by default. Teaching, parenting, and treatment needs, therefore, to happen within a context of connection. Also, great care needs to be taken to preserve the bonds that empower the adults responsible for such children. This approach, while self-evident when understood, is counter to most prevailing practices with challenging children.
Once kids are stuck, the usual ways of dealing with behaviour — including sanctions, consequences, and time-outs — actually make things worse. For reasons discussed in my Intensive I course, what works with kids who aren't stuck will tend to backfire with kids who are. By not understanding this core condition, parents, and teachers, and experts alike are bound to engage in interventions that are counterproductive. Part of the challenge in parenting or working with stuck kids is to learn to work around the problem and its symptoms until it can be resolved.
The good news is that most kids can get unstuck but require our help to do this. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of stuckness and knowing the moves to get a child unstuck is the most important developmental first aid any parent or professional could possess.
